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Victoria's Secret website
Weekend of Love,
with queen Victoria in all the photos

[» denotes slide-change…]

When Buntport called me to share my expertise on this important topic, I almost fell for the old cliche: just google the topic.

But I didn’t do that. » I used DuckDuckGo.

And I learned that Victoria’s Secret sells backpacks – the first advertising result » but there’s nothing “turtle” about them.

» Walmart » Amazon » & Etsy actually sell Ninja Turtle backpacks - the entire debate in a single product. And that’s good marketing. Report the controversy, right? Controversy sells.

» Sex also sell, but the Victorias’s Secret backpacks are frankly kinda slim, and pale in comparison. They all have the same… body shape…

» Turtles come in all shapes and size. » From this cute little snapper » to the mutants who saved us from Shredder » while shredding!

Cowabunga. But let’s step back for a bit of context:

» Queen Victoria began her reign of the British Empire in 1837, reigning for over 60 years, until her death in 1901. The exact length of the Victorian Era. Explain that!

I don’t believe in coincidence.

Having died She never got to retire and enjoy » a Palm Beach vacation, » or discover her Inner Rembrandt.

» Rem Brandt. More Light. Or, according to Google translate: » Brake is on.

» Queen Victoria also declared herself Empress of India, which raises some questions that I’m not sure team backpack is prepared to answer.

» But this is the secret – what they don’t want you to know: » Queen Victoria never actually owned a backpack!! At most, she might have had a Moneybag or packsack.

» The term “backpack” was coined in the 1910s, an entire decade after Queen Victoria’s death, in these United States. A dramatic way to kick off the new “Edwardian” Era across the pond.

» There are Turtle bags of all kinds, though, » including moneybags and probably even packsacks.

» Oh, and there’s Vanilla Ice. He made bags of Turtle money. » Vanilla Ice is actually the stage name for American rapper » Robert Matthew Van Winkle, who is not queen of anything – but… But!

» He did play bass on one of Queen’s greatest hits. Well, Allegedly.


Roger Taylor didn’t seem to mind.


Which makes me wonder. If Roger here (or Brian, or Freddie really — any queen who’s not » a queen but part of » the queen) refers to their band in first-person plural – we, as in Queen right? – does that count as a royal “we”? Answer me that, team “backpack”. I’m not British.

To whit: In England this debate would be with a rucksack or a Bergen. » Backpacks are provincial, while Turtles » are universal. Not just known everywhere, » but they hold the universe on their back.

» And what holds up the turtle that carries us? Another turtle. » It’s turtles all the way down. Thank you turtles.

» I can’t actually find any images of Vanilla Ice wearing a backpack, which says a lot, right? Not a coincidence.

» The Ninja Turtles made their first public appearance as teenagers » in 1984 with their now-famous » super-bowl commercial, » which ushered in the age of personal computing.

I was born in 1982, and really looked up to those turtles – like older cousins, you know. » I was particularly inspired by Donatello’s aptitude for science and technology, and his ground-breaking approach » to shallow architectural relief.

» I also liked the arcade game – we’d play it at the skating rink. That was a classic school outing in the 80s. My parents were offended by the violence, tho, and never really understood or accepted the way turtles, and specifically the turtle-backpack debate, would shape my life.

» Has anyone read A Prayer for Owen Meany? I’m not saying I’m “God’s instrument” here, but I am saying my whole life has lead to this moment. This is my version of “the shot” that John & Owen practice over and over. Anyone? Yes? And now here I am, protecting you from the hand-grenade that is Team Backpack.

» Sorry, I shouldn’t point fingers. I don’t want to run a negative campaign. I think we should keep these debates positive. What are we voting for, you know? And please don’t say Mike Bloomberg. I bet they would say Mike Bloomberg.

» When your only tool is a backpack, you know. It’s sad, really. » You gotta put more tools in it, right? That’s called the law of the instrument. Or in England they call it a » Birmingham screwdriver. I’m not British.

» So to recap:

So that’s a bit of historic perspective on the issue. As you can see, history repeats itself. But tonight: the future is in your hands. I believe in you. And so does Mr Van Winkle.


Some of the slides

Powerpoint slide,
Turtles v Rucksacks (crossed off)
Dr.* Suzanne
Google Translate detecting
Rem Brandt as Danish,
and translating it to
Brake Is On.
Illustration of an old man
sleeping under a tree,
with large fantasy-style text saying
Rob Van Winkle
Queen II album cover
with four faces on a black background,
but Vanilla Ice is doing turtle-hands
where it should be Freddie Mercury
1984, Big brothers watching you,
George Orwell book cover,
with the Ninja Turtles added,
jumping out towards you
A ninja turtle running towards you
with nunchucks,
in the 1984 Apple commercial
A ninja turtle meditating with an Apple computer,
like the Rolling Stone photo
of Steve Jobs
American flag in the shape of a turtle,
paid for by Turtles For America
Action Committee
A tan backpack, half open,
revealing a cutout of Michael Bloomberg
A bowl of vanilla ice cream
a few important slides…

The full deck

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